A Children's Guide to 'Lord of the Rings'

See Bilbo.
Bilbo is a hobbit.
Bilbo gets a whole book to himself.
(Except for the dwarves, who do not count,
and Gandalf, who counts but we'll ignore him anyway.)
The fans balance things out, though.
Bilbo gets a whole book,
but hardly any smut written about him.
Poor Bilbo.
But who wants to see a wrinkly naked hobbit?
Besides the dwarves.

*

See Frodo.
Frodo is a hobbit too.
Frodo has to share his book, but the fanfic makes up for it.
Frodo angsts a lot.
Angst, Frodo, angst.
This is because Frodo carries the One Ring.
You wouldn't know it by the fanfic.
In the fanfic, Frodo doesn't spend his time carrying the One Ring to Mount Doom.
In the fanfic, Frodo spends most of his time in bed.
Sometimes he even gets to sleep.
The fan writers think he looks cute with lots of different partners.
Bad fanfic writers.
Be cute, Frodo.
Frodo would really like to settle down at Bag End with Sam,
And live Happily Ever After.
But he can't.
Damn you, Tolkien!

*

See Sam.
Sam is also a hobbit.
We see a pattern forming.
Sam is a gardener.
Garden, Sam, garden.
When Sam isn't planting in the garden, he's planting in Frodo's bedroom.
Naughty Sam.
Naughty Frodo.
Sam likes Frodo a lot.
Good thing, considering.
Sam rescues Frodo from Certain Death.
Brave Sam.
But Sam doesn't settle down with Frodo afterwards.
Instead, Sam gets married.
Sam is bisexual.
Either that or Tolkien is a sadist.

*

See Merry.
Merry is also a hobbit.
No one is surprised.
Merry likes fireworks and mischief.
Merry also likes Pippin.
Sometimes he likes them at the same time.
Mischief and Pippin, that is.
Fireworks and Pippin just gets things messy.
Do dishes, Merry.
Mmm. Wet hobbit.
Merry is very brave.
He helps kill the Witch King.
But that isn't until Return of the King.
Hopefully by then, we'll be able to tell him apart from Pippin.

*

See Pippin.
Pippin is yet another hobbit.
You have been paying attention, right?
Pippin has been in love with Merry since the day he was born.
Daisy said it, so it must be true.
Pippin gets married, though.
So does Merry.
They must be bisexual too.
Pippin does other things too,
besides be in love with Merry and get married.
Not to Merry.
He kills a troll.
Kill, Pippin, kill.
He tricks an Orc.
Trick, Pippin, trick.
He looks in the palantir.
Look, Pippin, look.
Ooops. Perhaps that wasn't a good idea.
Pippin is not just comic relief.
Really.
It's just that all his good bits come in Two Towers or later.

- end? -

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