FRODO: I think this is a bad idea.
LEGOLAS: You speak for us all.
THIA: What's a bad idea? Cheering up our friends?
SAM: No, ma'am... making us read these stories.
KRISTEN: We're authors. We never claimed to be nice.
LEGOLAS: ...or smart...
THIA: Watch it, elf-boy. You're going to turn up in Ringsbane sooner or later, and I'm perfectly willing to make your experience quite interesting indeed.
[LEGOLAS mutters something extremely uncomplimentary in Sindarin about sadistic authors, but subsides.]
KRISTEN: I liked your Balrog threat better.
THIA: No, I think there already is Legolas/Balrog fic out there.
KRISTEN: ...moving right along. Roll fic!

A Second Time Around

GIMLI: Second time for what? My elf and I were hardly separate from Lothlorien on.
SAM, in an attempt at hopefulness: Mayhap it's a Valinor story?
[THIA and KRISTEN exchange glances.]
THIA: Didn't you tell them the pairing?
KRISTEN: I thought you were going to do it.
FRODO: What pairing?
THIA: ...never mind. You'll figure it out soon enough.


FRODO: Always a bad sign.
THIA: What, just the existence of a prologue?
SAM: Means it's either right long, or the author's a pretentious ass.
KRISTEN: Or both.

Legolas stared out over the water lost deep in thought.

LEGOLAS: Water? Where am I?
KRISTEN: Near water, I assume.
LEGOLAS: I was hoping for something more specific. For example: sea? Lake? Fountain?
THIA: If you're staring over the water of a fountain, Legolas, you really need to get out more.
LEGOLAS: Only say the word and I'm gone. [He starts to get up.]
SAM, grabbing his arm: If we're obliged to stay and read the fic, so are you.

He was remembering the whole fellowship.

GIMLI: ...why?
KRISTEN: What have we said about bringing logic into these fanfics?
LEGOLAS: Did I include Boromir? I hate it when I have to include Boromir. Aragorn sulks for days.
SAM: What does Strider have to do with it?

He missed them all dearly, but one he missed the most....

FRODO: Oh no. Please no.
THIA: Is that because you read ahead, or because of the unnatural four-period ellipse?
FRODO: The ellipse, but I'm not looking forward to what comes next either, thanks.


[FRODO whimpers.]
SAM: There, there, me dear. It'll be over soon.
LEGOLAS: I'm mooning over Frodo? Why?
KRISTEN: It's the whole 'pretty' thing.
LEGOLAS: If I try anything, Sam will kill me.
THIA: Augh! No Cassie Claire quotes!

that dear little one stuck in his mind and in his heart,

KRISTEN: That sounds painful.
FRODO: If she doesn't stop calling me 'little', it's going to be painful.

although he wouldn't admit it.

FRODO: No! Don't admit it! Be strong!

There was just something about that little halfling, almost as if he was part something... but Legolas couldn't place what.

SAM: Sounds to me like some people took that 'fairy wife' story entirely too seriously.
THIA: I thought that was the Took family.
GIMLI: Now who's bringing logic into the fanfic?

His eyes especially told that he had something in him, something that made him different from all others.

LEGOLAS: Possession of blue contact lenses!
FRODO: An in with the special effects people!
THIA: No no no, that's Elijah Wood. And it's not true, anyway. They didn't do anything to his eyes.
FRODO: My eyes are not blue.
SAM, thoughtfully: I don't know, sir -- in certain lights, they are. Blue as a new-morning sky.
FRODO: You're a poet, my Sam.
THIA: A-hem. No nooky allowed among the commentators. Not until the story's over, anyway.
KRISTEN: And even if they were blue, I don't know what the big deal is. Every other person in Middle Earth has blue eyes, according to the movie.


GIMLI: Because we wouldn't be able to recognize it without a clear label, I suppose.

Legolas was trying to remain calm, but his nerves were about to snap, then he would choke the stupid dwarf.

LEGOLAS: What, during the council?
KRISTEN: Well, Gimli was being rather provoking.
GIMLI: If you're referring to the movie, not only provoking but exceeding rash as well. No dwarf would be fool enough to venture into battle so badly outnumbered.
SAM: Especially after just breaking your ax.

"I'll take the ring, though I don't know the way," A voice said softly.

THIA: Whose voice?
KRISTEN: A random elvish ghost, horrified by the punctuation, maybe.
FRODO, as himself: Oy! That was my line! Almost.
SAM: Working off a bad transcript. Or a bad memory.
KRISTEN: This doesn't bode well... wait, who am I kidding? This didn't bode well to begin with.

Legolas turned a look of astonishment on his face. He realized everyone else was in much the same way. The little halfling had a lot of courage.

FRODO: All right, I've had quite enough of the 'little', thank you.
LEGOLAS: Where exactly did I get the 'look of astonishment,' anyway? Out of a bag?
THIA: Elrond has them lined up along the roof, like spotlights. And a clicker in his hand, so he can turn, say, the Look of Amusement on Gandalf's face.
FRODO: ...thank you for that fascinating theory.
THIA: Any time.

In that moment Legolas almost saw what he could have sworn to be magic in the little one's eyes.

GIMLI: Blinded by the contact lenses, no doubt.
FRODO: I don't wear contact lenses. Magic or otherwise.

Yes, he would protect the little one with his life.

*End of Flash*

KRISTEN: A flash? And I missed it? I'm so disappointed.
THIA: Oh, don't worry about it, it was only some elf running through with no clothes on.
GIMLI: two apparently attended a very different Council of Elrond than the rest of us.
KRISTEN: Once you let your mind fall into the gutter, you'll never go back.

Smiling softly, he remembered how Frodo loved the elves and their language. He could have sang every song he knew and Frodo would still want more.

LEGOLAS: Sung. I could have sung every song I knew.
SAM: Only you couldn't, because Strider would've told you to be quiet.
FRODO: And why would I be asking for elvish songs? I was a bit distracted at the time, thank you.

"Are you Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of upper Mirkwood Forest, "A soft feminine voice asked in elfish,

[LEGOLAS makes soft whimpering noises of pain.]
GIMLI: There, there. I'm sure she'll find question marks somewhere.
KRISTEN: I don't think it's the punctuation this time.
THIA, as Galadriel: Mary Sue -- your coming is to us as the footsteps of doom.

but to Legolas's surprise it wasn't JUST elfish, it was ancient elfish, that of the Sidhe.

FRODO: Eru, no. Please no.
SAM: Sidhe? Who are they?
THIA: They're proof that the author was more interested in showing off her Gaelic lessons than she was in reading the Silmarillion.
LEGOLAS: Elvish. That's not too much to ask, is it? The language is called Elvish, if you cannot be bothered to look up its true name.

Sidhe were one of the most ancient races of elves, they had come from a far off land and taken up hiding in the deepest part of Mirkwood Forest.

GIMLI: Which deepest part?
SAM: Any part, because everyone knows that Mirkwood is entirely uninhabited.
LEGOLAS, ignoring Sam: Somewhere down near Dol Guldur, like the hellspawn that she is.

They were feared by men and dwarves alike,

GIMLI: Because my people know a -- what was that term? -- a Mary Sue when we see one.

though not many people had seen them and it was unheard of for them to communicate with those outside of their race.

THIA: Ancient, hides in the forest, never talks to any non-elves any more... so, basically, she's a Galadriel rip-off.
KRISTEN: Only in Gaelic.
LEGOLAS: The resemblance is not that great. She has not the Lady's wisdom, nor beauty.
THIA: She's a Mary Sue. Give her time.

Legolas turned and saw a young elven girl (Young in Elf standards at least)

LEGOLAS: Under fifty?
SAM: I wouldn't put her at her tweens.
THIA: I wouldn't put her past ten.
LEGOLAS: Elves do age more slowly than humans, remember.
KRISTEN: Trust me, she knows.

She had long waist length curly dark hair and sea green eyes, on her head were three dots going down the middle of her forehead. The marks of the Sidhe.

THIA: Oh my God, it's the Star Trek theory of races!
[HOBBITS, LEGOLAS and GIMLI all exchange puzzled glances.]
THIA: Look, any time the Enterprise meets a new race on Star Trek, that's how you know it's a new race. They're completely humanoid, except they've got something odd-looking on their forehead.
FRODO: Oh, is that all? I just thought it meant the Sidhe liked to play with their pens.
KRISTEN: Well, that's a better explanation for the erratic punctuation than anything I came up with.

"I am Legolas, "Legolas stared at the girl puzzled.

LEGOLAS: How, exactly, can I 'stare' a sentence?
KRISTEN: Would you rather interpretive dance?

"I am in need of your help, Prince of Mirkwood. We have summoned someone from the East here on a most important note.

THIA: I'm fairly sure I missed something in there.
KRISTEN: On a most important note... so, this 'someone' is, what, using the letter as a magic carpet?
THIA: Ow, culture clash. Stop that.
FRODO: And besides, no matter how 'little' she thinks I am, I wouldn't fit onto a piece of paper.
GIMLI: The author hasn't said you're the 'someone'.
FRODO: Call it a hunch.
KRISTEN: Can't be. The someone's coming from the East. You're in the West.

We are in need of someone to go and meet him at the inn in Bree and make sure he is protected and not followed.

THIA: And if it is Frodo, he might need help crossing the Misty Mountains, too. Just maybe. In case he forgot they were there or something.

He will be recognized by a chain he will be wearing around his neck. It will be silver and have a leaf pendant on it. If you do this my people will be everly grateful."

KRISTEN, as the Mary Sue: Not very grammatical, but still grateful.
FRODO: She does remember that I've already got a piece of jewelry, thanks? The crystal Arwen gave me?
SAM: If she can't even remember the Misty Mountains, sir, I don't hold out much hope.

Legolas didn't have to think about it before he agreed, "I will my lady..."

LEGOLAS, as himself: Why, certainly, I don't mind a months-long journey out of my home territory and through some of the most dangerous places on Middle-Earth! Why should I mind!
GIMLI: Are you in Mirkwood, then?
LEGOLAS: Apparently.
GIMLI: And your responsibilities in Ithlien...?
KRISTEN, as the author: What, you mean I should have read the book? Dang, it must've slipped my mind.

"Treilian, and I thank you Prince of Mirkwood,

FRODO, experimentally: Prince. Of Mirkwood.
THIA: I should never have let you watch that film.

you will need to leave as soon as possible.

LEGOLAS, as himself: Well, yes, if I expect to get to Bree before the end of the year.
KRISTEN: What time of year is it, anyway?
SAM: Not winter.
KRISTEN: do you figure that?
SAM: He was looking out over water, wasn't he? If it were winter, he'd've been looking over ice.
THIA: Frankly, that's not anywhere near as reassuring as it might be.
KRISTEN: I gave up on 'reassuring' long ago. Where were you?

We will await your return."

THIA: Not that they have much choice.

Treilian smiled and watched Legolas walk off,

KRISTEN: Well, yeah, that is a fun past-time... put down the ax, Gimli, I was only commenting.

he would be a major part in her half-brothers life, he already was, and they would both help save their world.

FRODO: Half-brother? Half-brother?
LEGOLAS: She's joking.
SAM: Does that make Mr. Drogo a what-you-call-em, or is it Miss Primula?
THIA: Maybe both. Never underestimate a Mary Sue.

~ Miles away in the Shire ~

SAM: Because we never would have guessed how far away it was without the author saying something.
KRISTEN: Queen of the subtle transition, she is.

Frodo opened the package and something fell into his hand, he then opened the letter and began to read.

FRODO: Wasteful packaging, that.
SAM: Wait -- he didn't even look at the whatever-it-is? Just got out the letter?
THIA: I think she's trying to build suspense.
GIMLI: She has suspense enough. Why isn't Legolas in Ithlien where he belongs? Why does he take off without a word to me or to Elessar or to even his own people? Where's your Sam?
KRISTEN: Sam ran screaming from the fic when he saw what was coming.
FRODO: Sam! And you didn't take me with you?
[SAM sputters for a moment.]

Dear Mr. Frodo Baggins,

You do not know me, but I am Trielian of the Sidhe who reside in Mirkwood Forest.

FRODO, as himself: Another begging letter, oh bother. [He mimes throwing the letter away.]
THIA: Wasn't her name spelled differently, last time it was mentioned?

There is something that you need to know, but I cannot write it in such a letter,

LEGOLAS: What sort of letter could you write it in?
KRISTEN: A much longer one.

so I am asking you to begin a journey over the Great East Road toward Mirkwood.

FRODO: ...with me in the sort of health I enjoyed after the Ring-quest? She has got to be joking.

Please wear the charm enclosed and do not take it off for anything.

THIA, as Treilian: You can take everything else off, but not that.
KRISTEN, as Treilian: No, I'm not going to explain why. You'll just have to take my word for it that it's not an evil plot of Sauron or Saruman's for revenge.
SAM: I'll thank you not to give the author ideas.

All of your many questions will be answered on arrival in Mirkwood.

FRODO, as himself: Dear Treilian, who are you? How did you get my address? And what do I have to pay you in order to make sure you never, ever come here?


GIMLI: What, no 'of the Sidhe' this time?
KRISTEN: She's trying to cut back. Only one 'of. The. Sidhe!' per conversation.

Frodo looked at the necklace in his hand a second before putting it on and going to pack. This time he would travel alone. No Sam, Merry, or Pippin. Just himself and his thoughts.

THIA: Dude. What the hell?
FRODO: You know, perhaps you have a point with the whole logic need not apply. Because I can't think of a single reason why I would have taken off alone like that.
KRISTEN: A special brain-washing spell encoded into the letter, perhaps.
SAM, muttered: I should've burned it before I brought it in to him.
THIA: Actually, I don't think you brought it in. You're still run away, out of the fic.
SAM: Then I should've come back.

Part 1

GIMLI: ...all that was still the prologue?
LEGOLAS: Evil draws near.

Legolas entered the Prancing Pony hood drawn up over his head so he wouldn't get any unwanted attention.

KRISTEN: BWA-HA-HA! Oh, wait, was that supposed to be serious?
THIA: Oh, of course. You know how a six-foot gorgeous elf can just sneak into a boisterous tavern and not get noticed at all.
LEGOLAS: I hate you both.

He quietly made his way to the corner away from everyone,

SAM: There's a specific corner for that sort of thing? Wish we'd known that when we went.

as he went he tried to check out everyone in the place

LEGOLAS, as himself: Let's see, too tall... too short... not bad, but needs a beard to be really attractive...
KRISTEN: No, no, this is fic-you. The author doesn't know about your dwarf-fetish.

to see if any of them wore a necklace like the one the Sidhe had described.... no one was... Then he saw someone he'd never expected to see again.

KRISTEN: Boromir!
GIMLI: Dare to dream.
FRODO: I thought Aragorn hated it when Boromir came into these things.
KRISTEN: Aragorn isn't here. Nyah.
THIA: Are we sure? He's got a flashy necklace of his own, after all.

"FRODO?" He exclaimed.

FRODO, as himself: Shh! The name's Underhill.
KRISTEN: Now, now -- this isn't canon.
SAM: We noticed.
THIA: Has canon even happened in this universe? I mean, you'd think Tri-what's-her-name would have acknowledged that Frodo's done the save-the-world bit once.

Frodo glanced up at a familiar voice, a grin split his face, and he launched himself at the elf for a hug.

LEGOLAS: ...and knocked me over.
FRODO: Smashing both our heads on the hearthstone, we died. The end.
KRISTEN: Well, yes, I suppose that would be more dignified than whatever the author has planned for you.

Gripping Legolas still he looked up and met the elves amused gaze.

KRISTEN, as Legolas: Who are you, who looks like Frodo and acts like a ten-year-old?
THIA: ...and yet has the strength to hold Legolas against his will? Ooo, bad visual.

Legolas couldn't help but laugh as Frodo hugged him, when he pulled back he noticed something strange,

THIA: The author had forgotten what a period was!
KRISTEN: I think we're maybe going overboard on this 'punctuation' thing.
THIA: I'll stop when the author does. And not until.

Frodo showed no signs of aging, he looked allot like he had when they had first met. That's when he felt it, the same kind of almost magic in Frodo.

THIA and KRISTEN, singing: It's a kind of magic...
SAM, through his teeth, ignoring the singing: The Ring was destroyed.
FRODO: Even if she's basing this on nothing but the movie, she should have noticed that connection. Bilbo didn't age because of the Ring.
LEGOLAS: What, you mean there was more to the movie than pretty pictures? For shame.

"Come Little One

FRODO: Legolas? I'm going to have to kill you now.

lets sit and tell me why you are adventuring out of the Shire, "Legolas ruffled Frodo's hair affectionately.

KRISTEN: Frodo was, um, fifty when the Quest started, right? Not ten?
LEGOLAS: Sam, do you have your frying pan anywhere around? I need to go have a little discussion with my fictive alter ego.
FRODO: Arrows. I want to see something creative with arrows.

As Frodo sat he kept sneaking glances at Legolas, if it were possible the elf had grown more beautiful since he had last seen him.

THIA: It's that rinse he uses.
SAM: Special from Lothlorien.
LEGOLAS: ...look, just because I'm platinum blonde and you aren't...

"So tell me Frodo, why are you come here of all places,"

KRISTEN, as Frodo: To find a missing comma. There's so many scattered all over the place that I thought I could find one here.

Legolas was slightly amused by the looks the Hobbit kept sneaking at him, wondering what they meant.

THIA, as Frodo: Was he the one who gave Mary Sue my address? Dammit, I knew I should've just taken off with Bilbo when I had the chance.
SAM: Don't even jest about that.

"I was asked to go to..." Frodo was cut off as a man burst into the inn, fear evident on his face.


SAM: Taken it where?
KRISTEN: I don't think that's supposed to be your reaction, Sam.

The whole room erupted into a commotion of voices so loud it was hard to tell them apart as people swarmed to the man.

THIA: Much like the language the author just used.
KRISTEN: Completely impenetrable.


"Why would anyone...?"

SAM: Yes, that certainly sounds like rapid talk of a crowd.

"WE'RE DOOMED!!IT WAS ORCS!!!" He exclaimed before passing out, now the whole room went deadly silent.

GIMLI: And, just for good measure, an excess of exclamation points.
THIA: Plus that perennial favorite, a complete lack of spaces between sentences.
LEGOLAS: I'm not sensing the proper degree of terror, here.
KRISTEN: She expects us to believe that Orcs overran the entire Shire in less time than it took Frodo to get from Buckland to Bree. When Saruman himself couldn't manage it, and him with inside help.
FRODO: There you go with the logic again.

Legolas stole a glance at Frodo, who was holding onto a chain around his neck, face pale, and then shoved himself through the crowd as the man was slowly regaining consciousness.

FRODO: Why the chain? Why not, say, the thing on the chain?
SAM: Because you knew it was an unclean gift from a Mary Sue?

"What happened to the hobbits?" Frodo demanded of the man who looked at him with pity in his eyes.

KRISTEN: Wait a minute -- did or did not the paragraph just before this say that Legolas pushed through to stand by the man, etcetera?
FRODO: Oh, well, you know how easy it is to mistake Legolas for me. We look so much alike. Except for the hair-color thing and the height thing and the species thing.

"They was captured, taken away, young master, the darkness is growing again."

THIA: Oh, is that where the periods went?
FRODO: How could I not have noticed this?
SAM: The periods?
FRODO: No, those I noticed. I mean the Orcs. I'd have heard something.
KRISTEN: Maybe you were wearing earplugs.

There was no sound in the room except heavy breathing.

KRISTEN: ...never mind. I'm not going there.

Frodo felt Legolas come up behind him and lay a hand on his shoulder.

SAM: That better not be an explanation of the heavy breathing.

Legolas watched Frodo let go of the necklace in his hand and froze, it wasa silver leaf... he was whom he was to escort to Mirkwood.

FRODO: I still want to know what happened to Arwen's crystal.
THIA: Mary Sue stole it. She wants to go across the sea and live eternally ever after with Elrond.
LEGOLAS: Better him than me.

"Tha ml chas air ceann mo naimhdean" Frodo whispered in a soft voice.

Legolas stared at him shocked, as did the rest of the room,

GIMLI, as the rest of the room: Oi, the hobbit's drunk!
THIA: And completely lacking in punctuation -- you know, this is getting frustrating.
SAM: Only now?

he had just uttered a language that no one had heard in a public place for centuries, he'd spoken in the Sidhe language.

LEGOLAS: Gaelic doesn't exist in Middle-earth!
KRISTEN: Are you doubting the word of Mary Sue?
SAM: I'm wondering who spiked Mr. Frodo's pouch of pipe-weed, if he's muttering words that he doesn't ought to be knowing.
FRODO: Better spiked weed than another Ring. If I never taste the Black Speech on my tongue again, it will be too soon.
THIA: Much better to taste Sam.
FRODO: That's my line.
SAM, blushing very hard: Might we talk about something else?

"My foot is on the head of my enemies," Legolas murmured, "come Frodo we must talk in private."

KRISTEN: Why, Legolas, we didn't know you cared.
FRODO: Was that supposed to be a Gaelic seduction?
THIA: Actually, I think it's supposed to be a war-cry.
FRODO: I didn't even notice that Orcs were over-running the Shire, and now I think I can take them on by myself?
LEGOLAS: You don't think that. I think. I hope.
SAM: Mary Sue has warped his mind. I wouldn't be any too sure what he's thinking.

Legolas lead him upstairs into a room,

KRISTEN: Is that supposed to be a description or a command?

the rest of the inn's occupants staring at them in shock. They had a bad feeling about all of what had transpired a bad feeling.

THIA: Just in case you were feeling too settled in a single point of view...
KRISTEN: Is she sure Lucasfilm won't sue for copyright infringement?
FRODO: You're assuming even the Lucasfilm lawyers can hack their way through the bad prose to the 'bad feeling about this'.
THIA: Given the quality of the authorized novels out there, I don't think they have any excuse not to do so.

Part 2

SAM: Does that mean we can stop now?
KRISTEN: Not unless you bribe us.
THIA: We can be bribed?
KRISTEN: Of course we can. I'm flat out of chocolate.

Frodo sat down next to Legolas, but thinking about the Shire and his friends. His friends, Sam, Merry, Pippin, were they ok?

SAM: Oh, now you've remembered we're there.
FRODO: Just in time for some nice, healthy angst.
KRISTEN: Angst -- it's what's for dinner.

He began to shake, and soon found himself pulled into Legolas's lap with strong arms around him.

SAM, fingering the Frying Pan of Doom ominously: Whose strong arms?
LEGOLAS, quickly: Just this floating pair that I keep around my room. Nobody's in particular.

"It'll be ok little one it'll be ok," Legolas whispered into Frodo's hair, while rocking the now crying hobbit back and forth, "I will accompany you to Mirkwood, and will never leave your side."

FRODO: Wait a minute -- have I told him that I'm going to Mirkwood?
THIA, scanning back through the story: Nope.
SAM: And he's treating you as though you're not even a tweener.
GIMLI: Well, he's behaving as though he's a hobbitling.
KRISTEN: Is that a word?
THIA: Yes, Frodo, Legolas is wildly out of character. Your point?
FRODO, fingering Sting: Just checking.


KRISTEN: Because we were bored.
THIA: I'm pretty sure that's not what she was asking.
KRISTEN: That's what I felt like answering.

Frodo's voice was muffled into Legolas's chest, making Legolas smile slightly.

THIA: Because you know how cute Frodo is when his voice is muffled.
FRODO, as himself: "help... can't breathe..."

"Because as I was sitting by the lake and thinking, a young Sidhe by the name of Treilian came to me and asked me to come to this very inn and travel with someone with that very necklace. So you see, I'll be with you every step of the way, when you need me and even when you don't."

KRISTEN: Wait, wait, we're being unreasonable... it's not Legolas's fault he's being dragged along with Frodo.
GIMLI: Yes, but blaming the Mary Sue is too obvious.
LEGOLAS: And blaming the author too easy.
FRODO: Since when has that stopped us?

Frodo smiled and looked up at Legolas then frowned softly, "what about the Orcs? How are they still alive?"

FRODO: That's it? No more worry about Sam? No more questions about who this 'Treilian' creature is, or what she thinks she's doing? Just about the Orcs?
SAM: Well, it is a good question.
GIMLI: Piffle. The Orcs were not all dead.
SAM: Special Orcs as could sneak into the Shire like that? They deserve a question or two.
THIA: So the Orcs had Black Ops. Who knew?

"I'm not sure little on,

FRODO: Little on what?
THIA: Maybe she really did think you were going to float back to Mirkwood on her letter.

I'm not sure, but we will find out in time, but tonight we must rest, we start our journey tomorrow, so go to sleep and I will watch you."

LEGOLAS: That's it? He cries for five minutes and then he just falls asleep?
SAM: I'm holding to the drug theory until I see more evidence.

Legolas told him, but kept his arms around him, he wouldn't say it, but he was worried, the last time orcs were around they were after Frodo and he wouldn't let anything happen to him,

FRODO: ...I don't believe this.
KRISTEN: Is it just me, or does Legolas's internal monologue here sound like one of those breathless junior high girls who never saw a comma they didn't like?
THIA: And never saw a period at all.
GIMLI: Not to mention the Ring. She's completely overlooked the Ring.
THIA: Of course she has. It's only the MacGuffin that causes the whole thing. Why should she pay attention to a little thing like that? -- if any of you quote Boromir at me, I'm writing Balrog fic.
SAM: Wasn't going to say a thing.

besides, it felt nice to have someone's head on his shoulder and knowing that they were trusting of him enough to fall asleep in his presence.

KRISTEN: Well, Gimli?
LEGOLAS: It's a matter of height. That's all.
KRISTEN: I didn't ask you.
[GIMLI mutters into his beard. He's red -- or might be, if we could see past the aforementioned beard.]

They left the next day and began to travel; they reached Mirkwood with no instances of orcs or anything.

LEGOLAS: We passed through the Misty Mountains with no orcs?
GIMLI: Nor a stop at Rivendell.
SAM: Treilian knew that Elrond would kick her Mary Sue arse to the Gray Havens and back, is what.
THIA: I think you're assuming more sense on the part of the author than she has yet displayed.

Little did they know as they journeyed into Mirkwood, that soon would all change.

FRODO: Oh, no, no suspicion whatsoever. I take strolls to Mirkwood for pleasure. No hint that my life might change.
SAM: Not like you would have any problem going home again, either. What with those Black Ops Orcs and all.

Legolas glanced at Frodo and froze a look of shock on his face. On Frodo's forehead were three dots, the Sidhe marks.


"Legolas what is it," Frodo asked noticing the look on his face and becoming worried.

LEGOLAS, as himself: Nothing. Lost a question mark, nothing serious.
SAM, as Legolas: And Mary Sue's laid her evil claim on your immortal soul, but I'll save you!
SAM: I'm sort of hoping for murder.

Legolas got on his knees and stared into Frodo's eyes; "There is more to you than meets the eye, little one, much more."

THIA, as Gandalf: I think there's more to this hobbit than meets the eye.
KRISTEN: Guts and things. ...what? Why are you looking at me like that?
FRODO: If she's completely ignoring canon, do I at least get the mithril coat?
GIMLI: No, only Mary Sue's wild pen-marks.

Frodo was very surprised at his but before he could ask he was interrupted by a beautiful voice.

SAM: Very surprised at his what? Or shouldn't I ask?

"Ahhh... Prince of Mirkwood,

SAM: Prince. Of Mirkwood.
THIA: That's it, no more Blockbuster privileges for you two.

you have returned and brought with you our visitor." A voice said in common speech, but with a heavy accent

KRISTEN: And no period. Oh, wait, no, the period's just mysteriously transplanted to... somewhere else.
LEGOLAS: She's addressing me as though I were her servant.
THIA: Hey, she's Mary Sue. She gets to order everyone around.

Turning Frodo saw a young woman, he knew her he almost felt, he smiled,

FRODO: No. No, I didn't.
THIA: The commas have gone beserk and taken over your mind.
KRISTEN: I thought that was just the usual reaction, in-fic, to a Mary Sue.
SAM: Besides, if he'd gone beserk, there'd be mention made of him drawing Sting.
GIMLI, eagerly: And blood.

"Hello, are you the one who sent for me?"

KRISTEN, as Treilian: No, I'm her evil stepsister.

"I am, now I am sure you wonder why I, a Sidhe, have sent for you a hobbit?"

FRODO: Now that you mention it.

She smiled softly, "come we will continue to my home and there you will be told." She began walking and turned, and with a grin, said, "Come on, I won't bite."

GIMLI: We never suspected you of being a werewolf, lady.
KRISTEN, as Gandalf: There are older and fouler things than werewolves in the deep places of Mirkwood.

As they began going deeper into the woods Frodo began to feel a sense of home of belonging seep into his very existence,

FRODO: And then I shook it off, because Mirkwood looks a lot more like the Old Forest than it does like the Shire, thank you very much.

and it made him want to sing.

ALL, a la Monty Python: NO SINGING!

Legolas watched as Frodo smiled a soft smile and his eyes shined.

THIA: There's a joke there waiting to be made about shoe-polish, Frodo's eyes, and how the proper past tense of 'shine' is 'shone', because 'shined' implies the application of the aforementioned shoe polish to Frodo's eyes, but I'm not quite sure how to phrase it.
FRODO: Don't.

He could see a change coming over the hobbit, but wasn't sure exactly how.

LEGOLAS: Raw manipulation by the author, maybe?

Then Treiliana stopped and began to sing in a soft voice.

KRISTEN: Wait a moment. Wasn't she 'Treilian' before?
THIA: When she wasn't 'Trielian'.
FRODO: Maybe that's the reason for the missing periods: she's been saving them up to make the letter 'a'.

"Ba Dheas an la go oiche
Na glortha binne i mo thaobh
'S aoibneas i gach ait gan gruaim
Athas ar mo chroi go deo
He-a-ro He-a-o-ro"

THIA, singing: Fig-ar-o, Fig-ar-o, Fig-ar-o!

As she was singing a white light began emanating from the part of the woods in front of them, she continued the song.

FRODO: You two really need to get out more often.

"Ma shiulaim o na leatha beo
An ghrian 's an ghealach ar mo chul
Nil uain ach smaointe o mo shaoil
Deora ar mo chroi go bron"

KRISTEN, singing: Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamsidivy...
SAM: Do we have any idea what the heck she's singing?
THIA: "Mares eat oats and does eat--"
SAM: No, I mean the Mary Sue.
THIA: Oh, that. No, we don't.
SAM: So it could be made up?
THIA: No, it looks like real Gaelic. For what good that does.

As the last note of the song echoed through the woods as beautiful city appeared.

LEGOLAS: As readers wondered where the rest of the sentence was.

It reminded both Frodo and Legolas of Lorien except looked far older and more mystical.

LEGOLAS: Lorien is the forest. The city is Caras Galadhon.
FRODO: But to know that, the author would have had to have, oh, read the books.
THIA: Or at least seen the Extended Edition.
KRISTEN, as Treilian (Treiliana?): Hi, I'm Mary Sue. I'm just like Galadriel, only better. And this is my city. It's just like Caras Galadhon, only better.
[GIMLI fingers his ax ominously.]

Treiliana turned and smiled, "Welcome home, little brother," She said to Frodo.

FRODO: Excuse me, I think I'm going to be ill.
THIA, weakly: The punctuation isn't that bad...
SAM: Is there any chance we could lodge something in Mary Sue's heart?

Part 3

LEGOLAS: How much longer will this go on?
THIA: Not much.
KRISTEN: Really. I don't think we could take much more.

"BROTHER?" Frodo exclaimed shock,

FRODO: How do you exclaim shock?
LEGOLAS: The same way that you weep sorrow.
KRISTEN: Or shout anger.
SAM: Or batter Mary Sue.
THIA: A worthy objective, but not quite the kind of example they were using.
FRODO: No, it fits -- if you use the pattern of 'verb showing reaction, cause of reaction', which we were, then 'batter Mary Sue' is exactly right. As would be 'vivisect Mary Sue', for instance.
KRISTEN: You are a bloody-minded hobbit. I'm proud of you.

that shock evident on his face and Legolas had a similar face.

LEGOLAS: Frodo, you were right -- the author does think we look alike.

"Well... only my half-brother, but close enough, don't you think?"

THIA: Read my lips, Mary Sue. You are not a hobbit. You are a pseudo-Elf who plays with her pens.
SAM: I think the author took the whole notion of Mr. Frodo being 'elf-like' a mite too seriously.
FRODO: Just a mite. Excuse me, Sam and I are going to go find some very hobbit-like things to do.
GIMLI: Oh, no you don't. You have to stay here and suffer through the rest of it, too.

Treilian giggled and then composed herself, save a wide grin, "come,

FRODO: Never. I'd cut it off first.

come, there is much to tell you, so I will take you to our father."

SAM: So that means... Miss Primula wasn't a hobbit?
FRODO: I've heard nasty rumors about Brandybucks before, but this takes the cake.

Legolas and Frodo followed silently, each wearing very peculiar expressions on their faces.

KRISTEN, as a fashion show announcer: And here we have Legolas in an absolutely charming expression made of real dragon-hide! The twists at the eyes were hand-sewn by the ladies of Laketown, and it's lined with red satin. Note the mithril studs down the back.

Frodo, to say was shocked,

THIA: In French is 'a ete choque'.
KRISTEN: In Italian is 'e stato scosso'.
LEGOLAS: I'd give the Sindarin, but the author doesn't care.

would be a severe understatement, but he followed quietly as the girl led them.

SAM, firmly: Drugged. I knew it.

In no time at all they were in a beautiful rooms,

SAM: In a nice houses?
GIMLI: Or perchance an elegant palaces.
THIA, singing: And they all lived in their boxes / and they all came out the same.

a man came forward to greet them.

KRISTEN: A man? Not an Elf?
THIA: Or a Sidhe maybe?
LEGOLAS: Aren't you two getting a little petty?
KRISTEN: Oh, we passed the 'petty' mark long ago.

"Treilian darling,"

FRODO: That implies things about the father/daughter relationship that I really did not want to know.
THIA: She's lost the 'a' again. Dozens of periods have died in vain.

then he turned to Frodo, "this is a special moment indeed, young one. Now, I'm sure you have questions, come let us sit and I will answer them to the best of my abilities. My name is Obeilin (Obey-lin)."

THIA: Um, author? The place for pronunciation guides is not in the middle of the text.
FRODO: Besides, I don't want answers. I want out.
KRISTEN: And possibly a name for the father that isn't a rip-off of Oberon.

Obeilin motioned them all to the comfortable, fluffy chairs positioned almost in a circle near the door, and they all sat.

GIMLI: How does she mean, 'almost a circle'?
KRISTEN: Semi-circle? Oval?
LEGOLAS: Square?

A not entirely uncomfortable silence fell upon them all

FRODO, miming struggle: Augh! Get it off, get it off!

until, with a soft look from Legolas, spurred Frodo to speak.

KRISTEN: Yes? And? What spurred Frodo to speak?
FRODO: 'Who', more likely -- the previous phrase implies that the cause of my speaking just looked softly at Legolas.
LEGOLAS: It's more than just periods and commas -- she's missing entire words now.

"Treilian said that I am her brother, how is that possible?"

FRODO, as himself: Being as I'm a hobbit and she's not. You know, little details like that.
LEGOLAS: She must have overlooked the feet.
THIA: Don't even start about the furry feet, you.

Frodo asked him, while taking in the man's appearance. He was Legolas's height and had shocking red hair;

SAM: And this is your father?
FRODO: So Mary Sue claims.
SAM: Might I ask how you ended up with black hair, then?
KRISTEN: Given that Tolkien is beyond the author's grasp, I don't think it's fair to make her read basic genetics as well.
LEGOLAS: Alas, I believe it possible. Treilian has black hair as well, and basic genetics will allow for that.

his eyes were a sea green

THIA: Oh, come on. High school genetics. The little four-square charts? The ones that said you needed two blue-eyed genes to have blue eyes?
KRISTEN: It's possible. If Woss-name there has a recessive blue-eyed gene, and Primula had a recessive blue-eyed gene, then it's possible.
FRODO: My eyes aren't blue.

and he, like Treilian had three dots going down the middle of his head.

SAM: The middle of his head? That sounds right messy.

"That," Obeilin said with a smile, "is a relatively easy question to answer, you see, your mother loved to travel and it was on one of her travels where I met her.

THIA: No, Frodo, not a word. Let the author finish. -- Sam, gag him if you have to. -- Um, yeah, kissing is fine, kissing works...
KRISTEN: The story, Thia. Let the hobbits make out if they want to.

I was instantly infatuated with her, that infatuation soon grew into love and as it turned out she loved me too. After you were born, we both needed to return to our homes and your mother took you with her, she eventually fell in love with a hobbit, your father and they were married."

[Momentary silence.]
KRISTEN: So... was Primula hobbit or Sidhe?
SAM: And does the author really think the Bagginses would stand for it either way?
FRODO: The Sackville-Bagginses would've had me out of Bag End before I could wink twice if I weren't a trueblood!
THIA: Lalala no logic...

"But what about Treilian's mother?" Frodo asked, a little disbelieving.

THIA: Haven't you ever heard of second marriages?
LEGOLAS: Not in Middle-earth, she hasn't.
THIA: Point.

"Treilian is many many many years older than you young one, and her mother was killed by orcs a long time ago. You see Frodo, no matter how much you don't believe it, it will always be true that you are really my son."

KRISTEN: There is no escape... don't make me destroy you...
FRODO: No! I'll never join you!
THIA: Does that make Sam Han Solo, or Leia?
SAM: So long as I'm not Chewbacca.
LEGOLAS: Stop that. Stop that right now.

Legolas was staring at the three, he could see it, there was something about them all, so that to a trained eye you could see they were all related.

SAM: The dots down the forehead, maybe?
LEGOLAS: It certainly wasn't the family resemblance.

What puzzled him though, was why they called Frodo their at that time

GIMLI: Because the Sidhe are possessive?
THIA: You'd know better than I would. --ow. I know, Legolas, you're not Sidhe. Just kidding.

to tell him, why not before, and he voiced this to Obeilin.

LEGOLAS: Charming. I always wanted to be the voice of reason.
KRISTEN: Not like you don't have practice.
THIA: 'We must move on. We cannot linger.'
LEGOLAS: I refuse to take the blame for Peter Jackson.

"Yes, now onto one of the more important matters

SAM: One of the more important matters? How many are there?
THIA: Depends on how many sequels the author thinks she can squeeze out of this.

why we have called you now, Frodo, the time has come for you to choose... do you want to remain a hobbit and be mortal and pass away... or do you want the life of a Sidhe?"

FRODO: Um, I've been given that choice. Or one equivalent. By Arwen? The crystal necklace?
GIMLI: It's not enough that Mary Sue must imitate the Lady of the Galadhrim, she must also pretend to the mantle of Luthien?

But Frodo was thinking of what he said before, "ONE of the more important matters, what's the other one?"

FRODO: Wait a moment -- did I actually say something sensible?
KRISTEN: Within limits. You somehow figured out that there are two matters without being told: that's going to count against you.
FRODO: Oh, hush. Let me revel in my moment.

As he said this, Obeilin's face fell and a great sadness entered his eyes.

SAM: Tromp tromp tromp.
THIA: You and your oliphaunts.

"It's the most important reason you are here, and it's a matter of life and death..." Obeilin's eyes stared into Frodo's before going to Legolas's, "There is another master ring."

FRODO: That does it. I'm leaving.
THIA: One more section.
SAM: Is that a threat?
THIA: No, I mean there's just one more section. I swear. Please? I'll write smut, I'll give you chocolate...
KRISTEN: Thia, you're trying to bribe the hobbits?
THIA: I am not sitting through the rest of this by myself.
FRODO: One more section. But -- [leans over and whispers in her ear.]
THIA, after a moment's thought: But Sam always -- mmph. Ffmmdmmm, tmmm ymmr hmmd omm mm mmmth.
SAM: What did you ask for?
FRODO: Never mind. [takes hand off Thia's mouth] Agreed?
THIA: Oh, all right. [muttered] Pushy hobbit.
GIMLI: Do we get chocolate?

Part 4

Legolas turned to stare at Obeilin in horror. Another master ring? The first one had almost killed Frodo, they weren't thinking of...

FRODO: Oh, did it? I made quite the recovery, then.

glancing over at Frodo, Legolas felt a burden deep in his heart

KRISTEN: Probably the missing period.

He was going to stay with the hobbit no matter what.

LEGOLAS: I grow weary of this -- can't I stalk someone else? Anyone else? Gimli for preference, but I'll settle for Aragorn if I must.
KRISTEN: Don't tempt her.

As Obeilin went into detail about the ring (which I'm not going to include, because it is obviously just like the first one)

LEGOLAS: Obviously.
SAM: Of course.
THIA: Sauron made two Ruling Rings instead of one. Who knew?
KRISTEN: 'Two Rings to rule them all...' Well, at least it scans.

Legolas studied Frodo's face, that was now extremely pale, he also noticed Frodo idly rubbing his old wound from the orc blade.

FRODO: 'Orc blade'?
SAM: I think she means your scar from the Morgul blade, sir.
FRODO: So this must be near October.
THIA: ...we hope. As opposed to her forgetting, say, Shelob's bite and the missing finger and other things like that.
KRISTEN: Gone with the Misty Mountains, I fear.

Crossing over, he stood behind Frodo and lay a gentle hand on his shoulder.

KRISTEN: Laid a gentle hand.
LEGOLAS: Although I'd rather not lay anything about Frodo.
SAM: Good.

"I am sorry my dear boy, to once again ask this of you..."Another voice cut in from the doorway. Turning, Frodo noted it was Gandalf.

FRODO: Wait a moment -- didn't Gandalf go over the Sea?
THIA: Not until after 'Fellowship' ended. So it didn't happen.
KRISTEN: And no logic. No comparing it to what actually happened.
SAM: Not even to say that it was old Mr. Bilbo who did the apologizing last time?
THIA: She's only interested in the pretty hobbits.

"I'll do it, but not alone," he pleaded, staring up into Legolas's face.

GIMLI: Didn't you take off from the Shire without any of your friends?
FRODO: Yes, but that was just a little jaunt through the Wild and over the Misty Mountains -- whoops, sorry, forgot, there are no Misty Mountains!

"I will not leave you little one," Legolas whispered softly.

KRISTEN: Awww. I'm touched. Aren't you touched?
LEGOLAS: That's not quite the word I would have used, no.

"And neither will I," Gandalf said, and Frodo smiled and jumped up and hugged him.

THIA, as Frodo: Despite the fact that you've been nowhere to be seen while the Shire is overrun, I have a personality transplant, Legolas does his best impersonation of a stalker, and we make our way the wrong direction through the non-existant Misty Mountains -- hey, nice to see you!

"Another thing Frodo," Treilian told him, "sometime in the next month you must decide if you will choose the Sidhe way or your hobbit way."

FRODO: Oh, wonderful, my favorite -- an artificial deadline!

Frodo nodded, he knew with accepting the task again about what to expect. It would not be easy, as he had thought at the beginning of the last one...

SAM: What?
FRODO: Oh, yes, terribly simple. Nothing to it. Just a quick stroll down to Mordor, toss the bally thing into a volcano, we'll be back in time for supper!
KRISTEN: Someone has taken your attitude of 'we're still in the Shire -- what could possibly happen?' far too seriously.

a thought came to him...

GIMLI: A first for this story, I think.

"How would I choose if I had to suddenly, about being Sidhe?" Frodo asked, unconsciously slipping his hand into Legolas's. This act was not missed by the others.

KRISTEN, as Mary Sue: Mwa-ha-ha, my brainwashing is working!
[FRODO and LEGOLAS edge as far apart as they can go. FRODO takes SAM's hand and holds it tightly.]

"That is simple," Obeilin said and ruffled Frodo's hair,

FRODO, as himself: Do that again and I'll bite your hand off.
GIMLI: You didn't say that to Boromir.
FRODO: Boromir had a sword. This one has... dots on his forehead.

"you would have to look deep inside yourself, into your very being. There will be a feeling of power, but it will be blocked. If you visualize the barrier breaking and then accept it, you will then be Sidhe. (I know it sounds weird, but don't forget Sidhe are one of the most ancient types of elves, and they keep to their olden ways)"

LEGOLAS: That is not olden ways.
KRISTEN: More like a rip-off of Mercedes Lackey.

"Now come, we have another surprise for you all,"

FRODO, hopefully: It was all a bad dream?
SAM: She didn't say it was a good surprise.

Treilian grinned and grabbed Frodo's hand, the other one since he was still holding Legolas's

LEGOLAS: How many hands do you have, Frodo?
KRISTEN: And is that hand attached, or is another floating body part?

and began yanking them outside.

KRISTEN: But before she had finished, Gandalf bashed her over the head with his staff and sent Frodo back home again. The end.
LEGOLAS: Didn't we try that before?
KRISTEN: It was worth another shot.

Frodo gasped at the sight in front of him, they were all there, Sam, Pippin, Merry, Aragorn, and Gimli.

LEGOLAS: Because of course Aragorn had nothing better to do than pick himself up and go trucking off on a quest.
SAM: And us hobbits had been rescued at the last minute by person or persons unknown.
THIA: No explanation needed. A ring needs destroying! Who ya gonna call? RingBusters!
FRODO: Now who's abusing her Blockbuster card?

"What are you all doing here?" He exclaimed shocked.

GIMLI: We happened to be passing through. You know how it is.

"You didn't think we would let you go out on another adventure and leave us all alone, did you Mr. Frodo," Sam asked, smiling as he hugged his friend.

THIA: My God -- Sam, you exist!
SAM: Running a bit late, though.
FRODO: Have I let go of Legolas yet? Please tell me I have.
KRISTEN: You want both hands free for hugging Sam? You naughty hobbit, you.

"I'm so glad," Frodo told them, tears running down his face.

KRISTEN: You're on hormones is what you are.
FRODO: Oi. I cry.
KRISTEN: Not like that you don't.
SAM: He was overcome with gratitude -- you've come to get me out of here!
THIA: There is no such easy escape from Mary Sue. -- My God, what's that over there?
HOBBITS, ELF and DWARF, heads whipping around: What?

Part 5

KRISTEN: Not very subtle distraction, there.
THIA: Desperate times, desperate measures.

Early the next morning the entire party was ready to go.

GIMLI: Efficient.
SAM: Not like they were in Rivendell. That was a place worth the lingering.

Obeilin and Treilian were wishing them goodbye. When she got to Frodo, Treilian got down and whispered softly, "Dear brother, on this trip you will meet people who will claim to be your friends, but trust no one but the people in this group.

KRISTEN, as Treilian: Don't even trust me. In fact, especially don't trust me.
THIA: Trust no one?
FRODO: Some crossovers just shouldn't happen.

Many many people, most of the Sidhe, are looking for you."

LEGOLAS: Don't you feel fortunate that this is the group that found you?
FRODO, monotone: Very lucky.
THIA: Actually, that reminds me: where the heck is the Ring they're destroying? Who had it?
SAM: And where is it now?
KRISTEN: Suddenly, Treilian's mysterious power over your mind takes on a much more sinister significance.

Frodo looked at her shocked, "but... the Sidhe..."

GIMLI: Don't exist.
THIA: Would that it were so simple.

"Listen Frodo, everyone carries the seeds to do evil or to do good inside of them,

FRODO: Didn't Gandalf say something like that?
KRISTEN: Mary Sue has him gagged. Or else maybe she really does have the One -- er, the Other Ring.

a group of Sidhe have split from us, intent on getting the ring. Be careful my brother," Treilian whispered.

FRODO: Um, I have done this before. In theory. I know what I'm doing.
SAM: I don't suppose there's any chance the two of us could make a break for it as soon as we leave the woods, is there? Skip the whole nasty Amon Hen business?
LEGOLAS: Go for it. I'll cover for you.

Next, Frodo hugged Obeilin, his father, who also had advice, but very different advice then that of his daughters,

THIA: Dude. Mary Sue is plural?
KRISTEN: The horror. The horror.

"Trust your heart little one, if you do decide to accept your Sidhe part on this trip, remember you are still Frodo inside, you just have to add this to yourself, and be it also.

KRISTEN: For the sake of what dignity Oberon-wannabe there might have, I really hope that he's stoned.
THIA: Nah. He's the mind-raped slave of Mary Sue and the Other Ring.

It is a part of who you are, even if you do not acknowledge it.

THIA: It is your destiny.
FRODO: We already did the Darth Vader bit, thank you.

Goodbye, my dear son"

"Goodbye," Frodo whispered, unconsciously marking that Legolas was near him.

KRISTEN: Because, as we've already established, it's so easy to overlook a six-foot gorgeous elf.

Standing, Obeilin addressed them all, "This journey will be even more difficult than the last, you must not travel either direct route,

GIMLI: Either route?
THIA: Um... the west side of the river or the east side?
LEGOLAS: Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me she hasn't carried her east-west confusion to the absurd. Tell me she doesn't think Mirkwood is on the western side of the Misty Mountains.
KRISTEN: Taking the notion of the movie as pretty pictures to new pits of infamy, here.

travel only during the day,

FRODO: Because it's not like the enemy has many spies -- like, say, birds, who can see anything that moves under the sun.
THIA: Or that Sidhe, being Elves and all, might have supernaturally good eyesight.

and never anywhere in the open.

SAM: Because speed isn't essential at all.

Stay to the forests, they will protect you.

KRISTEN: And they let Legolas be in his element, always a plus.
THIA: Because it's really all about the pretty.
GIMLI: Speaking of taking things to a new low...

Be careful, and don't draw attention to yourselves."

SAM: Oh, naturally. We'd never have thought of that one for ourselves.

The group set out, a somber air about them all, which was soon broken by the happy chatter of the hobbits.

FRODO: Happy chatter? Happy chatter?
SAM: Well, sir, you know how it is. We narrowly escaped from the Orcs, at the cost of our homes and families, and you're facing a nasty bit of pressure from a Mary Sue. What's not to be happy about?


LEGOLAS: ...really?
KRISTEN: Yup. That's it.
FRODO: About time. Thia! You've a promise to fulfill.
THIA: All right, let me turn the page in my notebook. Kristen, you coming?
GIMLI: She'll be right there. First, about that chocolate...


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